Cuh-razy Brain

I want to be a philanthropist,
But I live check to check.
I want to be a confident optimist,
But if my self-esteem were the glass half-empty/half-full scenario, I'd be vapor.
I want unfettered access to success,
But I seem to have bumped my head on the ceiling of my intelligence.
I want not to be judged,
But I hate myself for judging.
I want to teem with the joy of life every day,
But I fret over my appearance and the superficials.
I want to learn, to grow, to build towards my strengths,
But I'm good at making excuses that indulge my weaknesses.
I want to die,
But there's a nagging hope that things will improve.
I want to live,
But life makes it so hard.
I want you to read this and pity me, feel for me,
But you feel like me.
So I guess I'm normal.