Puppetry of the penis

Every man, once or twice (or more) in their life, has done the ole' "up and down" with their penis. They've faced their girlfriend, boyfriend or mirror, and thrust their hips back and forth, waving their penis around like the American flag on a windy day. These gentlemen have taken a man's silly penis play to a new level.

It was inevitable, wasn't it? Two men with giant skinny penises making bank by twisting, pulling, folding, hiding, and yes, tying their unmentionables into strange designs. The only tricks I could do before seeing this on HBO's "Real Sex" show 79 or whatever were the talking penis head, the twist and shout, and the one that every man does but doesn't admit, the 'ole "I'm a woman" where the penis is tucked tightly between the legs.

But the puppetry has taught me much more. I can't achieve the true artistry and impersonations that they can accomplish, but I can certainly form the hamburger and I'm getting better at the snail.

I don't know what it is about the male species that makes them want to show their penises to a willing audience in all its shapes and wondrous pliability. It's something innate, like wanting to pay for dinner, flaunt nice things and hump frequently. The puppetry of the penis is just like that, but less publicized. Simon and David of the giant penises will change all that with their show. Either that, or this show portends the doom of the human race, where penises are formed into hamburgers for all to witness and delight.

Juxtapose This

I've always enjoyed the word "juxtapose" (and its neighbor "juxtaposition"). It's pleasing to the ear. It's not one of those words that rolls off the tongue in a sexy way like "onomatopoeia", but each syllable puts your tongue and lips in the exact position necessary for the next syllable. "Jux" leads right into "tuh" leads right into "puh" leads right into "zih" leads right into "shun". For the longest time, I knew its definition, but never actually understood what it meant. You know words like this. Words that you can glaze past as you read the sentence that contains it, but when asked to conjure up a sentence of your own, you fail miserably. Words like "amalgam", "imbue", "cacophony", and "juxtaposition."

Once I finally and thoroughly understood the word, I began enjoying juxtapositions everywhere. There's something about two opposites combining to achieve such a positive flavor. Here are my flavorites:

1. A cold beer juxtaposed with a hot, steamy shower.

2. A fridge-chilled orange juxtaposed with a hot, steamy shower. (I like hot showers and take them often.)

3. Personally, the juxtaposition I most enjoy is driving my car on a cool night with my windows down and my heater blasting. The outside air by itself is too cold. The heater is too hot. But together, it forms such a pleasing sensation. And if you add some Radiohead, well!

4. A piece of well-placed, quiet humor said into the ear of someone who's down can have just the right effect. I don't know if that's a true juxtaposition, the humor and the sadness, but nevertheless it fits my description.

5.


The irony created by the juxtaposition of the dirtiest part of my shower next to the words "clean shower". I hadn't picked up that spray bottle in months until just recently and laughed aloud at the irony.

Juxtapose this blog about juxtapositions to other blogs about juxtapositions and you will undoubtedly realize that I probably don't understand the meaning of the word. Regardless, I still enjoy those 5 things and no one else has ever blogged about this anyway so there's nothing to juxtapose!

I had to look up "minutiae"

I didn't know how to spell it, so I typed "minutia" into dictionary.com. I assume it's a probably a bad omen for my first ever attempt at a blog that I couldn't even spell the title. I don't even really know what to talk about. People usually seem so clever and poignant and know how to spell shit.

What the hell am I supposed to say in a blog? I feel so johnnycomelately to this blogging fanaticism that the only people who'll read this will be my mother and girlfriend. I won't have a searchable blog unless I put some words phrases like "American Idol is great!" or "The surreal life is my favorite show" or "Bush is a loser" into my blog.

I don't believe any of what I said, of course, but if I want people to read it, then I have to make certain sacrifices. Then I think that why do I want anyone to read this? And then I think why am I writing my thoughts into a generic blogging site? What is my blogging motivation?

Well, I suppose that I want to be famous because of my blog. So if I start sounding too sanctimonious or if I start taking myself too seriously, please don't let me know. Because I will be crushed.

It's a sad day when a person realizes that they're not special and they have to a live a normal, baseline existence just like the rest of the 6 billion people on this world, continuously struggling with life's minutia, uh, wait, m-i-n-u-t-i-a-e. And for me, today was a sad day.